LOVE

Well here it is

4 AM and I

am wakeful

and I sit pondering

it all

and you

sleep soundly

lost in a dreamers' embrace

and I could sit and watch your face

forever

for you are mine

and I am yours

whatever that means

for we are twined together

with love and strings

and all the other little things

that bind and hold

all the things that go untold

and we exist in a togetherness

I never dreamed I'd find

a place of laughter, love and gentleness

a calm and peaceful state of mind

for you are generous and kind

and you love me despite my many flaws

foibles and inconsistencies

and I love you the same way

for you were meant for me

and I found you

despite all my mistakes and misguided

attempts at love

ily

Days of Trepidation

And there are days when I forget how long I've been here

how many years I've lived this life

And I think years don't matter

I still feel strange some days

that I am me but also someone else

Someone that other people see

and I am not sure who that is

I worry that if I asked you

to paint a picture of me

I wouldn't recognize myself

And I think some days I am omniscient

but most days I'm blind

and it's too bad but ...

there isn't much I can do

And I am a rocking chair

I am a little unstable

but still solid as a rock

I move and change

but imperceptibly

shifting in the wind

and you can lay your head here

and I will soothe you

You can put your heart here

and it won't break

You can be vulnerable

and I won't wound you

Maybe some day you'll see that I am

someone you can trust

So I will love you because you deserve it

not because I think I should

and I don't care if you are frightened

it's okay to be afraid

for love can make us vulnerable & naked

ily, 2002

Maybe Baby

Surrounded by what-ifs
and might-have-beens
The occasional, unnerving
imagined scenes
and all I know is that we
share it
the beauty & the pain
those hidden remains
the secret, stolen stains
of our maybe baby
and I wonder if
he would have had
eyes like yours
So blue like waves
upon heaven's shores
Images of stolen moments
never to arise
and the fear that I'll never look upon
a child of mine
with your eyes
little-known fears which take me by surprise
All I know is some days
it haunts me
little what-ifs that
come unannounced to taunt me
little eyes gazing at me from a distance
penetrating the walls of my resistance
to think about the un-existence
the negative space
between our hearts which contains
the remains
of our
Maybe Baby

ily, 2002

Runaway - at a Standstill

There is so much to say

and not be said

Here I am - trapped

between a blood-curdling scream

and the silence of nothingness

All my thoughts and emotions

are tangled in a web

of fear and self-recrimination

and attempts at acceptance

come in large waves

only to be blown back

by winds

whispering my secret fears

telling me I am not god-like

and may never be able to 

forgive myself for this

But I know I have no choice

Fate is not blind

like Justice

For she sees into me, as always

And says - "This one has endured pain

and can endure more"

The reasons are not clear to me

But hard decisions are not new

Fear and pain and loneliness

are ancient

tuggers at my heartstrings

But I know that I can handle

ANYTHING

ily, 2002

AND ... my thoughts run into TRUTH

AND ... I might try my hardest to fictionalize it all

to take it from my soul AND disguise the story as

someone else's

BUT ... my hands are compelled to write the truth AND

there is something behind this spewing forth

of all that exists in me

BUT ... I do not know what it is

AND ... I can only write the TRUTH

AND ... maybe speak in FABRICATIONS and DECEIT

BUT ... I know the truth finds its way to light

               SOMEHOW

DESPITE my haphazard attempts to spin it for

               ACCEPTANCE

SO ... I will say this:

My life story can only be told in bits

             AND pieces

DISSECTED         INTERSECTED    ANALYZED   and

RE-REFLECTED UPON

AND sewn back up together - from the shattered pieces

                which were my

HEART and SOUL and MEMORY

and I am, have only ever been, upon this earth

             a short, short time

BUT ... I know so many things I can't explain

AND ... I know some days it seems as if I'm crazy

BUT ... appearance is far, far from reality

I cannot explain my lucidity and exact recollections

IN photographic detail

DESPITE the knowledge that they are no my memories

IN SPITE of being told that I cannot possibly know

AND ... yet - always understood

AND ... if I ever thought differently

                I don't recall

BECAUSE I've never really changed at all

AND ... if I were truly crazy I don't think

I could analytically reflect upon it all

BUT I live my life determined and conscious

AND know that I surround myself with beautiful and powerful

OBJECTS and IMAGES which bring me JOY and POWER

                            and PROTECTION

AND hope AND friendship AND everything that I am - so that

I can look around AND know myself each day anew

AND I am aware of my own attempts to ESCAPE

                   into other people

AND places BECAUSE they feel like parts of me

AND I know all the things that you might say

BUT I only dance now lightly through other people

AND always follow the path which leads back to me

And I need to be alone - when it isn't what I want
AND I could pretend that you don't smother me
BUT you do
AND I may run away from many things
BUT never myself
AND now that I am grown I say
I can reflect upon and write about the secret pains
which haunted me
AND lurked within my heart
AND which I could talk around like bullshit
BUT talk is cheap AND it is only truth if I
write it down for you to see
AND I might like to think I am above it all
BUT I am not saintly and while I am not angry
vengeful or full of accusations
I AND I alone
must own my pain
AND it is not EXAGGERATION
DELUSION
OR
Some damn cry for attention
AND I do not write to expose you
OR compel guilt
BUT simply because
I must write for myself
AND nowadays it's nothing to do with
YOU at all
not really
AND you might say MY truths hurt you
and make you look bad
OR that they are biased, overblown
and not quite accurate
BUT they are not general histories of
"concrete facts"
but truths
which are subjective
AND I cannot express regret if you
are ashamed of my imperfectness
and refusal to be ashamed of myself
or clothe myself in anything but
RAW and HONEST truth
without coverings
AND I am me
AND all my life is now my own
AND you were there
BUT the truth of me
does not rely upon agreement
as to what constitutes me
AND not because we didn't try
BUT I could not ever articulately
explain in speech
what it felt like to be me
could not talk at all
Not from a desire for secrecy or deceit
But because my voice was silenced
AND no matter how hard I try
OR how intelligent I am
it all gets jumbled up
in conflicting sentences
which are all so crystal clear to me
BUT cannot make a direct line from
my MIND and HEART and SOUL
to my mouth
without breaking and jumbling together
criss-crossing
and cutting themselves upon the lines
where heart and soul and mind
intersect
and weave together
and bits of meaning fall into the gaps
and nothing I say will ever
be as truthful
as the words upon the page
which write themselves
and I do not put any conscious thought
into what pours out of me
and even close my eyes
and mind to thought
but still the thoughts emerge:

That I am here
because I always knew myself
and because some angel
watched over me and said
This one needs to be stronger
and is meant to help the rest
for I was given friendship, love and understanding
in return for all I lost
AND another heart which knows me
inside-out and where I come from
AND always speaks the truth
and we were always writing letters
full of nothing but truth
AND I could never ever lie to you
AND maybe it is a gift or a curse
and no matter what
I am overflowing with the capacity
to love and care
and offer friendship
where it is needed
in ways it seems that
many people cannot
AND though they tell me DON"T
I love humanity in all its PAIN and JOY
AND every corruption
is not beyond my comprehension
because I don't judge
For I have been pelted with stones
- until I was bruised, scarred,
battered and BROKEN -
cast from hands
not qualified to throw them

ily, 2002

White Light Blinds me Vaguely

White light blinds me - vaguely

moving forth - back & forth

burning blurry images on my brain

leaving me in momentary calmness

numb to any pain

I open my eyes so wide

that I forget who I am

I begin to disappear

enveloped in an impenetrable fog

which makes true forms clear

I like this feeling

a beginning

a fluctuating state

containing conflicting passions

      love & hate

--- this is why I fall

into love & hate

mired in a quicksand

of passions so great

that I become a passenger

in my own life

this sensation of being someone else

a person who could be the type to fuse

and not to stand alone

Perhaps one day

I'll wake up to be an individual

next to someone else

instead of waking in the night

- to silence

or some sleeping face

which leaves me an intruder

in a stage play

where everyone knows my name

but I don't recognize myself

For now I'll roll over and

turn on my stereo

to sleep dreamlessly

and I know I will again have

a feeling of beginning & forgetting

A blurry light which

CALLS ME HOME

ily, 2001

Days

There are days when I experience

joys so intense

that I cannot explain

the way the world is so alive

and in my soul and skin

and I sit silently

just to let that energy soak in

And we read the cards today

and cast my fortune

five ways at once

but the answers were no revelation

since I already knew what

they would be

positive & life-affirming

both transcendental and earthly

like you are

and everything

I felt for you was simple

but you and I were complicated

but I didn't walk a tightrope to your heart

and you didn't stand behind masks

moving with unexpected swiftness

causing me to fall

but you caught me just before

I hit the ground

and held my hand

and dried my tears

told me I wasn't crazy

and that you loved me

just the way I was

broken and scarred

full of imperfections

with my soul seeping out

and I am nearly repaired

and you are so lovely and gentle

that I cannot believe

someone so kind could ever

offer me such protection

and reassurance

bringing me peace

in a way

No man before you 

ever did

                                                                                           ily, 2002

Laughing on the Killing Fields

...And we laughed
              until we cried
              and cried until we
                             laughed
because there were no tears left
and it was all so fuckin' hysterical
And it was all pop-cultured
                Entertainment
it was some piece of performance art
and reality got lost behind
          our comic mask
          the tragi-comedy
          in which we cry
               until we laugh
         and laugh until we cry again


ily

Wings

The rain pours down outside my window
And maybe this is a cliche
But it is also real
As gritty as this world I feel
Around me - no dreamy fog
Will hide me from reality anymore
And I don't want it to
I don't want to be numb
I want to feel
Pleasure and pain
And love and hate
I don't want to be empty
I don't want to be vacant
I want to dwell in me
in this body and soul
I am no longer half-healed
I am whole
And maybe parts of me are damaged
And maybe I have scars
But I sport them proudly
Because I've survived many battles
And even a few wars
But I don't have to fight today
And I don't have to run and hide
I don't have to pretend for you
That I don't have these feelings inside
And I'm not angry
And I'm not sad
I simply am
I feel something which
is possibly contenment
Awake and alive
But not euphoric
Just sane and in control
And accepting of what
I can change and what can stay the same
I don't feel that I'm to blame
For the problems of the universe
Not all of them anyway
Besides I don't believe in blame
Or fault or accusations
Everyone has some good in them
Good and bad do not exist
and black and white
World views cause slit wrists
And yes your opinion counts
But we don't have to agree
on everything or anything
And I'll still love you
Just the way you are
Just promise me one thing
Please don't say I need to change
Myself
Because that's the one thing I won't do
Not for anyone
Not even you
Even if I love you with my whole heart
If I become someone else this will all fall apart
I love me just the way I am
And if you don't then that is fine
Maybe it'll just be a matter if time
Until you do
Or don't - just let me know
Don't say you love me if you don't feel it
Because words without feelings are empty
And I've had enough empty words thrown at me
I don't have time to deflect your lies
Pick them up and sort through
What's false and what's true
And I don't think I should have to
Lies don't stick to me
I've never been wooled-over
I have never been gullible or naive
And I might not say a thing
But that doesn't mean that I believe
So the choice is up to you
If you can't read them - if you can't see
Then you will never be
One to touch the soul of me
And maybe it scares you
'Cause I'm wide open
Maybe it scares you that
I'm not afraid
To feel my feelings and to share
All of the pleasure, pain and wonder in there
I wasn't given a gift so that I could be
Cruel and empty and unhappy
I was brought here for a purpose
To show you that you deserve
Love - and that you're worth
Every bit of love in the world
That you are meant to love yourself
And then love somebody else
Give it away because it'll come back
And you'll be so perfect you'll never lack
Anything you really need
Nobody needs expensive things
Nobody needs a lot of money
They are simply shackles which
You've tied to your wings
If you limit your ambitions then you can never fly
If you hide from broken-heartedness
You will never get as high
As me
I can lend you this pair
For a while
But if you refuse
To smile
And to see the light inside yourself
Then I'm afraid it can't be helped
I'll have to take my wings away
So you can grow your own
And maybe you'll fly with me one day


ily, 2001

Mother's Cryptic Messages

She left so many messages

but I'm afraid she never actually said anything

A frustrating mystery for me to decipher

and I honestly believe she liked it that way

It gave her a continual upper hand

She could always say that I was wrong

It was always a "figment of [my] imagination"

funny how it's always that way

I followed her messages to a dead end

fell down a hole, and hit my head

"A trap," I realized. I must be getting closer

Closer to the truth, but it was still

A long way to go

I picked myself up and looked for another message

"I don't understand you," it read

Oh, I've had this one before, it should read

"You don't understand me" - this was a warning

A confrontation automatically pursued all messages of that sort

Not much "understanding" went on, but a good battle's okay

All we know how to do anyway, is fight

We don't really communicate, because, well, that's two-sided

People must be in agreement to communicate

they both have to want to

That would be a little too much to expect

I trip again, not a trap, my own clumsiness

These messages seem to be on continual repeat

but I don't give up that easily

It's somehow in my nature to have strong feelings about loyalty

and I guess in this case it had become the bane of my existence

- So many cryptic messages - my Cryptic Dictionary

has been so well-thumbed through that it's falling apart

but there are still so many messages

I can't decipher or decode

This wasn't what i planned on doing

for the rest of my life

I had kind of hoped that some day I'd reach her

but she is always a trap or a corner ahead of me

Finally, I reach a sign

"I am there" I think and I am

but the sign reads "EMPTY"

and I understand that I've been chasing an illusion

All those cryptic messages

but now my life has not purpose

ANYMORE

ily, 1997

And Now I Can Laugh

And now I can laugh
ripples down my throat
like a tortured giraffe

What can I say
you got off on telling me
I liked emotional pain
that I loved to be the martyr
the victim - the saint
God help me - I don't know
how I kept my self-restraint

Sure, I'm the saint
who wants to kick you in the gut
who wanted to dump you
because of a sexual rut

But at least I don't burn incense
and only shave my arms
due to social pressures
I never would have volunteered
for such girly measures
I'd never put flowered sheets on my bed
And no I never wanted your kids
even if that's not what I said

And I guess your interest
in being fucked up the ass
wasn't something I could help you with
I just hoped that it would pass
it didn't really turn me on
though I'm not an overly-feminine sort
but your attempts at manliness
kinda left me short - of praise

I guess being a jerk
and telling me what to do
gave you a sense of power
despite what was actually true
which is I always have
my own reasons
for everything I do
including, playing this
silly game with you

And no, I don't think
I ever really meant whatever
it was I said
But it felt right at the time
Yeah, so I don't think
I loved you
Is that such a crime?

Never wanted to be your wife
being even a girlfriend
took too much compromise
And I needed independence
not webs to tangle my heart
to take me by surprise

I got back at your mind games
with fabrications of my own
Yeah, so you still think
you broke my heart
'cause that's how I wanted it played
You can't think you got away for free
You are supposed to feel guilty
Maybe I should feel bad for stringing you along
Perhaps it's not fair to blame you
For everything that went wrong
But I am not a martyr, never a saint
definitely NOT a victim
because I don't want it played out like that
Besides, truth is subjective
it isn't a fact

ily, 2001

Pure of Heart

Twirling in my mind I hear your song
and wish it were my own
It is so beautiful, untainted and so pure
So strong, invincible and oh so secure
My own stumbling, mumbling, rambling whispers
are as unlike it as two mirror-imaged sisters
I know I crave your power
although I have plenty of my own
or maybe it's your purity
that I want on loan
There's something missing I can't gain
walk through myself and back again
Inside my heart desire has lain
for many years amidst the pain
and it's the pain I can't remove
despite these many efforts
Even with the balm of love
my purity's completely severed
from the rest of who I am
and packed away like trash
so inaccessible, so far in my past
and each time I find its miracle
I know it's borrowed bliss
My purity will never last
I'll never quite grab hold of it
I don't know how to live without my pain
and if my purity came back
I'd only search for pain again
it's useless to try to take my pain away
as much as I don't want it, I need for it to stay
It's the only thing that makes me strong
tells me who I am and where I belong
and even if I do not like the things it has to say
Nonetheless its messages are truthful anyway
That I am corrupted, tainted
and blemished is for sure
but there's a disparity
because in my heart I'm pure
No matter what they take, you see
They cannot take my heart from me
A hidden treasure, hard to find
far beyond my soul or mind
My body may not be my own
whether I'm possessed or all alone
Take what you can from it
it's only an empty shell
it has been broken for so long
that any use for it is just as well
Try to break me
you might succeed
Nothing else has any worth
No, not death, or even birth
If you cannot hold my heart
you possess no true art

ily, 2000

BODY

Crimson-tainted, veined through with cracks
revealing everything it lacks
Flesh upon FLESH
Beneath the calluses of callousness
and blistered skin worn through to bone
by endless pacing, remembering, erasing
Stand atop this heart to numb the ache
Many have trodden here
a few have climbed
Upon this mere body which has aligned
              itself
Across the divide
where fear and fearlessness collide
Hands grasp one edge
feet the other
tearing internal holes to bridge
          this
the great abyss
Not belonging to either side
the dangling tightrope
where both the fearful and the fearless
play their games
where the songs of glory and of sorrow
create, haunted, lilting refrains

ily, 1999

You Said

You said every thing you wanted to say
And I never said a word
I never said a word
I kept my silence
Not because I had nothing to say
I kept my silence 'cause you didn't deserve to see my rage
I'd never want to give you the power
And the pleasure you derived
From seeing the pain you'd inflicted
From seeing anger in my eyes
And you thought you knew you could get away
With blaming me for everything
Thought I'd take it on myself
Without question
You thought you were so smart
Psychoanalyzing me for fun
But you never stopped to listen
Never wanted to admit you might be wrong
Told me I loved to play the victim
Derived pleasure by assuming all the blame
But you never listened when I told you
You were wrong
I am never a victim
I don't blame myself
Never have and never will
So when you try to blame me for what is so obviously not my fault
It only shows me who you are
That you think I am some long suffering
Pseudo-victim waiting for the next worthy cause
Living with artificial pain until someone like you
Comes along to save me
Yeah, I saw the laughter in your eyes
When you saw that you could hurt me
So I kept my silence in the end
'Cause you didn't deserve
My love, my pain, my anything
You took my trust and turned it inside out
Used my weaknesses as weapons
With which you hoped to destroy me
A competition in which you would be the victor
By tearing out my heart
And telling me I deserved it
That I could only blame myself
 Thinking I'd accept it
But oh you were so so wrong
You never listened well enough
Never saw me inside
And I am so lucky that you were blinded by your arrogance
You broke my heart
Destroyed my ability to trust
Made me fear my own vulnerability
Turned love into an enemy
But I never believed you
When you told me I deserved it
I was broken
And battered
My trust was shattered
And maybe to you it never mattered
But I pulled myself up off the ground
And I found
So much strength inside of me
So many things you couldn't see
I never blamed myself for you
And everything you put me through
But even in that darkened hour
I used what I had left of power

I kept my silence
I kept my distance
You never knew me through and through
And I needed that silent power
To use against you
It was my only weapon
You deconstructed me and threw me at myself
Used all of my pain and all of my faults
Thought you could trip me up
Thought you could make me fall
And it only proves
You never knew me at all
See I'm still standing
Standing tall
'Cause I kept my silence
People, they tell me I should learn to trust
But without my silence
I'd be broken through and through
'Cause you'd have known my true weaknesses
You'd have been able to really see me
I'm still standing here
Through you and everything else
'Cause I kept my silence
I didn't scream out loud
And maybe it's not good to keep secrets
But I am never a victim
And without my silence
Where would I be?
I fix my heart back up
With tape and glue
And silence.
I used to think
I'd find someone
To help me heal my heart back up
But all I've found
Are people who tear open my wounds
Who find new ways to inflict pain
All I've found is that silence
Is what keeps me whole
Silence repairs my heart and my soul
Maybe there is someone who deserves more than my silence
I hope that I find them and that they will gratefully take my silence from me.

Ily, 2001

AND (she remembers clearly)

She remembers clearly the taste of tongues and ice cream (Neapolitan flavoured)
And nicotine and pheromones
the all-encompassing passion of shared pain and escapism
when you are numb and bleeding and she is only a half-healed wound
you crash together and bleed anew
you plant the seeds of lust and fear and pain and pleasure and violent numbness
she will give in - she will submit
she will crave your violent sexuality - but hate being the recipient of it
- you are escaping into numbness by pouring your pain into her-
and you think she's perfect
you put her on a pedestal
-where she used to dwell 
only in forgotten dreams of purity since six years-old
-when she was touched and she was told
never to say how much she hates to be touched anywhere by anyone
Like caterpillars on her skin your closeness creeps into her soul
And she laughs nervously - petrified
you scare her through and through
and she'd do anything for you
because pain and fear are better than nothingness
you will grab her pin her down and cover her with painful kisses
even though minutes ago you were screaming at each other
over your perpetual lies and other girls you've slept with
even though you swore it wasn't so
and she can feel them on your body
like dyes that taint her through and through
and now she knows the price of love
which is she'll always love and hate you
- and there is blood in the corner where your rabbits were slaughtered 
and you found out and then you cried
and the smell of death and fear and blood and rape and sex and suicide surround her
You tell her she is the world to you, that she is everything
But she knows it isn't true
You drink so much that you don't remember
Where you've gone and what you said - which lies you told
She can't say no - you make her weak
Remind her of her buried pain
You uncover her scars and tear them open
Leave her bleeding - unable to sleep for weeks
You grasp her soul and steal her strength
It makes you strong and weakens her
She is not nearly as powerful as she used to be
She crawls away with broken wings
A Nightingale which cannot sing
You have crawled inside her body
You have trespassed on her mind
You have borrowed her heart and soul
Turned her inside-out so that she can't find
Herself
She will never be the same
She sits patiently inside the flames
While this passion gives her third degree burns
Burns off her nerve-ends until she feels nothing
Until she is the void
She is vacant
She is empty
She is a vacuum
And now she's free
No heart, no soul, no love, no hate
She is now an empty slate
And she can reinvent herself
Because she is only 17
And you are an underage alcoholic


ily, 2001

Shattered Rainbows

Molten echoes of discontent
Flit through the fragile silence
And swirling simplicity
Of my wonderment about

...whether there's a purpose
for the distance
           the silence and resistance
I display toward everyone else
So that I can analyze it all
Keep the world away from myself
And never fall

...into those traps
which keep others blind
things like
love & hate & anger & fear
which would only consume me
were I really here

pettiness & prettiness
and earthly violence
the tragedy of lack of mystery
that inner putrid pestilence

Between the pleasure and the pain
Like the space between my eyes
Where I can see but only
Cross-eyed and dizzily confused
Convinced that there is a key to happiness
A mystery no one is sharing
Which could make me numb to this
Earthly toil - which could keep me from
despairing

Until I stop trying to focus on
All that which I can't see
And notice
The temporal fragility
And steady inconstancy
And complexity
Of earthly beauty

...I'd rather feel the pinpricks
of the stars upon my skin
than lose myself in numbness
trap myself and just give in

and allow
the milky dew
of branching madness
to drip and drool
and seep into my sound mind
leaving it discoloured,
disenchanted, disillusioned
         and vacated

         all this reaching and searching
will finally culminate in a grasping
                        of hands
and this elusive, floating spirit
                 will rise and fall
as slivers of light, distributed randomly.

Ily, 2001

Not Just Numb and Bleeding

I will never apologize
For being myself
For being
Battered and broken
And needing things those pristine girls
Never needed
Wanting things that only broke my heart

I will never regret
Holding onto what I couldn't keep
And keeping what i could hold onto
Even when I didn't want it

And if that makes me a disgrace
I'll suffer your judgment gladly
Because obviously you can't see me
Here in this bruised body
Stuttering through these broken dreams
Laying down my heart
For your scrutiny

And I don't care
If you think it's inappropriate
If you don't want to know where I've been
Where this body has lain
Who has touched this skin
without permission

I never asked to be who I am
But I never asked to be someone else
I am not a victim from these rapes
Of my body or my mind
And I have never been ashamed of myself

I used to believe it didn't matter
Once stained the pure are forever tainted
I never stopped to wonder
If purity meant anything in the end
I am responsible for my actions
And others are responsible for theirs
I cannot erase these many scars

And I don't want to
I love every inch of this flesh
And every single piece of my heart
The sugary sweet, sentimental bits
The bitter corners
And the wounded parts
Which have received too many hits

From you and me
And everyone else
I used to think could keep me
From hating myself

I used to think I deserved it
Every thing that hurt me made me smile
I forgot that there were other sensations
Not just numb and bleeding
Through my skin

And thanks to every one of you
Who saw me there
And walked on through
Over my body
Over my heart
You looked down and smiled
Waved and said "hello"
Not caring that you halted my progress
Helped keep me far below

Told me it wasn't my fault
But blamed me anyway
Because I was confused
Or maybe scared
Because I loved you
Because I cared

I thank You for telling me
It was all my fault
So I could stop blaming myself
So I wouldn't have to feel guilty
So I'd no longer have to hate me

Ily, 2001

Caught in Mid-Flight

Somehow no matter how many word I write I cannot completely convey my message. It is all fragmented; small tableaus of emotions and experience. No matter how huge my lexicon, I cannot describe the world I see. There is not a language which contains enough, no words that fit exactly.

I am myself
I am nothing and everything
I am a contradiction
I am a cohesive whole
I am here and there
lost and found
soaring through the heavens
but still earthbound
I am beautiful and attractive
ugly and repulsive
strong and weak
I am complicated in my simplicity
mysterious in my clarity
both self-centred and self-less
arrogant and modest
light-hearted and serious
painful and soothing
I encompass everything
But nothing encompasses me
I am always trapped
and eternally free
No cage can hold me
No body can contain me
I am a spirit flitting here and there
I am above it all
I am crawling through
the earthly filth
I am sophisticated and vulgar
Rude and polite
I am a spirit in transcendence
Caught in mid-flight.

Ily, 2001