Not Just Numb and Bleeding

I will never apologize
For being myself
For being
Battered and broken
And needing things those pristine girls
Never needed
Wanting things that only broke my heart

I will never regret
Holding onto what I couldn't keep
And keeping what i could hold onto
Even when I didn't want it

And if that makes me a disgrace
I'll suffer your judgment gladly
Because obviously you can't see me
Here in this bruised body
Stuttering through these broken dreams
Laying down my heart
For your scrutiny

And I don't care
If you think it's inappropriate
If you don't want to know where I've been
Where this body has lain
Who has touched this skin
without permission

I never asked to be who I am
But I never asked to be someone else
I am not a victim from these rapes
Of my body or my mind
And I have never been ashamed of myself

I used to believe it didn't matter
Once stained the pure are forever tainted
I never stopped to wonder
If purity meant anything in the end
I am responsible for my actions
And others are responsible for theirs
I cannot erase these many scars

And I don't want to
I love every inch of this flesh
And every single piece of my heart
The sugary sweet, sentimental bits
The bitter corners
And the wounded parts
Which have received too many hits

From you and me
And everyone else
I used to think could keep me
From hating myself

I used to think I deserved it
Every thing that hurt me made me smile
I forgot that there were other sensations
Not just numb and bleeding
Through my skin

And thanks to every one of you
Who saw me there
And walked on through
Over my body
Over my heart
You looked down and smiled
Waved and said "hello"
Not caring that you halted my progress
Helped keep me far below

Told me it wasn't my fault
But blamed me anyway
Because I was confused
Or maybe scared
Because I loved you
Because I cared

I thank You for telling me
It was all my fault
So I could stop blaming myself
So I wouldn't have to feel guilty
So I'd no longer have to hate me

Ily, 2001