You Said

You said every thing you wanted to say
And I never said a word
I never said a word
I kept my silence
Not because I had nothing to say
I kept my silence 'cause you didn't deserve to see my rage
I'd never want to give you the power
And the pleasure you derived
From seeing the pain you'd inflicted
From seeing anger in my eyes
And you thought you knew you could get away
With blaming me for everything
Thought I'd take it on myself
Without question
You thought you were so smart
Psychoanalyzing me for fun
But you never stopped to listen
Never wanted to admit you might be wrong
Told me I loved to play the victim
Derived pleasure by assuming all the blame
But you never listened when I told you
You were wrong
I am never a victim
I don't blame myself
Never have and never will
So when you try to blame me for what is so obviously not my fault
It only shows me who you are
That you think I am some long suffering
Pseudo-victim waiting for the next worthy cause
Living with artificial pain until someone like you
Comes along to save me
Yeah, I saw the laughter in your eyes
When you saw that you could hurt me
So I kept my silence in the end
'Cause you didn't deserve
My love, my pain, my anything
You took my trust and turned it inside out
Used my weaknesses as weapons
With which you hoped to destroy me
A competition in which you would be the victor
By tearing out my heart
And telling me I deserved it
That I could only blame myself
 Thinking I'd accept it
But oh you were so so wrong
You never listened well enough
Never saw me inside
And I am so lucky that you were blinded by your arrogance
You broke my heart
Destroyed my ability to trust
Made me fear my own vulnerability
Turned love into an enemy
But I never believed you
When you told me I deserved it
I was broken
And battered
My trust was shattered
And maybe to you it never mattered
But I pulled myself up off the ground
And I found
So much strength inside of me
So many things you couldn't see
I never blamed myself for you
And everything you put me through
But even in that darkened hour
I used what I had left of power

I kept my silence
I kept my distance
You never knew me through and through
And I needed that silent power
To use against you
It was my only weapon
You deconstructed me and threw me at myself
Used all of my pain and all of my faults
Thought you could trip me up
Thought you could make me fall
And it only proves
You never knew me at all
See I'm still standing
Standing tall
'Cause I kept my silence
People, they tell me I should learn to trust
But without my silence
I'd be broken through and through
'Cause you'd have known my true weaknesses
You'd have been able to really see me
I'm still standing here
Through you and everything else
'Cause I kept my silence
I didn't scream out loud
And maybe it's not good to keep secrets
But I am never a victim
And without my silence
Where would I be?
I fix my heart back up
With tape and glue
And silence.
I used to think
I'd find someone
To help me heal my heart back up
But all I've found
Are people who tear open my wounds
Who find new ways to inflict pain
All I've found is that silence
Is what keeps me whole
Silence repairs my heart and my soul
Maybe there is someone who deserves more than my silence
I hope that I find them and that they will gratefully take my silence from me.

Ily, 2001