And Now I Can Laugh

And now I can laugh
ripples down my throat
like a tortured giraffe

What can I say
you got off on telling me
I liked emotional pain
that I loved to be the martyr
the victim - the saint
God help me - I don't know
how I kept my self-restraint

Sure, I'm the saint
who wants to kick you in the gut
who wanted to dump you
because of a sexual rut

But at least I don't burn incense
and only shave my arms
due to social pressures
I never would have volunteered
for such girly measures
I'd never put flowered sheets on my bed
And no I never wanted your kids
even if that's not what I said

And I guess your interest
in being fucked up the ass
wasn't something I could help you with
I just hoped that it would pass
it didn't really turn me on
though I'm not an overly-feminine sort
but your attempts at manliness
kinda left me short - of praise

I guess being a jerk
and telling me what to do
gave you a sense of power
despite what was actually true
which is I always have
my own reasons
for everything I do
including, playing this
silly game with you

And no, I don't think
I ever really meant whatever
it was I said
But it felt right at the time
Yeah, so I don't think
I loved you
Is that such a crime?

Never wanted to be your wife
being even a girlfriend
took too much compromise
And I needed independence
not webs to tangle my heart
to take me by surprise

I got back at your mind games
with fabrications of my own
Yeah, so you still think
you broke my heart
'cause that's how I wanted it played
You can't think you got away for free
You are supposed to feel guilty
Maybe I should feel bad for stringing you along
Perhaps it's not fair to blame you
For everything that went wrong
But I am not a martyr, never a saint
definitely NOT a victim
because I don't want it played out like that
Besides, truth is subjective
it isn't a fact

ily, 2001