Worshipper

I tried to tell you
about the moon & me
How I am lunar
containing shadows you can't see
and there are pains
Hidden, tortuous remains
that all the light in you
Cannot remove
But you are my golden prince
and your beauty does convince
Me
that there are realms I've never seen
Beauty in all I cannot be
So I will try
to be nothing more
Than a worshipper
Of what I don't possess
Worshipping the goodness
I find buried in this mess
that's called existence
And the distance
the juxtapositions
And contradictions
We all contain
How I can carry purity
Inside myself
But be left with stains
These stains of purity
which bring tears to my eyes
Transcendental mysteries
The truth that lurks in lies
And I tried to tell you
About the moon & me
About how I am myopic
Dark, twisted, trapped
and never free
and you never tried
to tell me I was wrong
or that the dark recesses
are not where I belong
Instead you stepped assuredly
Into the void in me
Shining so sublimely
Only to say to me
that I am as perfect as I need to be
And you let me hold you
when I need to
And you let me love you
Because I have no choice
You let me love myself
and listen to my quiet voice

ily, 2002

You See

I saw the stardust
we all contain
in your eyes
as blue as the atmosphere
and ethereal as worlds I've treaded
outside of this skin
and we begin to transcend
but always return
and it is that little death
upon return
which makes us human
for every time a little more of me
is hovering
and though I know my actions
may seem merely human
and vulgar to some
I know they cannot see the endless light
They cannot touch infinity
But I am both
full of passion
and empty as a void
I skip across the stars
when I look in your eyes
across the world and time
and everything
and in between it all - where I exist
a timeless, ageless continuum
flitting in and out
of this earthly body
like a butterfly - knowing only metamorphosis
and all that is everlasting in me
is what you see
deep inside my eyes
fathoms and pools
of perception and reflection
this is ALL
and you see

ily, 2002

Confessions of a Pretty-Boy-Toy-Girl

I am not particularly feminine - okay I'm overtly feminine
In appearance if not behaviour
I am alienated from the giggly, hair-toss type
I want to wear tight pants over my mannish hips
I want to stand up straight and be noticed
To speak my mind openly and not be told
It isn't gender appropriate
I want to talk about why traditional roles of femininity
Used to disgust me
I want to explain why my own body used to turn me off
And no, it isn't Freudian penis-envy
I never wanted one of those
I just want to be stronger - more powerful
I don't want to play the girl
I don't want to be your girlfriend
Your sperm receptacle
I want to ask you out on a date
And maybe buy you something nice
Something cool like tight-ass pants for your manly hips
I don't want gifts of candy or perfume
- thanks I didn't know you thought I needed
pimpled skin
or that I smelled bad
I might like a book
to cultivate my intellect
I am not a denier of the virtues of womanhood
I admire them very much - but they aren't for me
The external parts of them anyway
I'd be more like a dad than a mom
I can build pre-fabricated furniture & program the VCR
And the stereo without instructions
And bake a cake & diaper a baby
Perfectly
But I don't want one hanging off my chest
or living in my uterus
I will clean a snotty nose
Teach moral lessons
and then I want to close
my eyes and sleep
I might be a parent but I'd never be a mom
I don't want to share my body with anyone for nine whole months
I don't want to be that attached to anyone
It doesn't mean I won't love you
I just need my own space - internally and externally
I have attachment issues - yes I do
And I'm afraid of becoming attached to you
because then I can be abandoned
shattered, broken, victimized
I want to grow up to be myself
I want there to be a place for me
I am a wo-man
Yes, I feel like a transvestite some days
Like this body is just a garment
Thinly disguising my perverted ways
I am not a lesbian
I am not attracted to the womanly
I adore gay men with their tight-ass pants
And cocky ways - but I don't want to date them
I want to be them
I want to move inside the man's world
Like the wo-man that I am
I want a world without such gender differentiation
I like the hazy, line-crossing
gender disappropriation of the 21st Century
But it's not quite enough for me
I want to be a person without a label
I am not homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual
I am simply sexual - sometimes
I am not a sexually-repressed girl
I don't deny my sexuality
But I have always felt that it didn't quite fit me
That I am dressing in a costume
Headed for the stage
I like boots and tight-ass pants
I like the feel of tight t-shirts
which make me look trampy but isn't the point
I like well-defined jaws and long-haired boys
What does that make me?
Are there other girls like me?
Who don't want these shackles thrown their way
Who don't fit in anywhere, anyway?
Who love themselves but hate society
for trying to mold them into many things they'll never be?
Are girls allowed to be commitment-phobic?
To want lovers instead of boyfriends?
To be parents but never moms?
without being gay?
without seeming power-hungry bitches?
without being weird?
Isn't there another word, like --
unique -- except that means one and only
Isn't there somebody out there like me?
Who wants to be a pretty-boy-toy-girl?

ily, 2001

She's Waiting for the Light

She's down on her luck
But she won't give up
She'll hold tight to something intangible
And when she grabs at your body
with a painful desperation
She's only trying to find your soul
She's lost in a dream
Doesn't know what it means
And she's waiting for the light
To shine, shine, shine
And she doesn't see the world the way that you do
You're not exactly sure where she's going to
But you know she won't stay
She pulls you close
Pushes you away
Cries tears for something unexplained
She says she's empty
Just a shell
You don't understand
It feels like hell
She can't explain
You don't understand
She holds you close
You grasp her hand
You know she's not yours to keep
Always elusive
beyond your reach
She says she's sorry
It's not your fault
You're confused and angry, it isn't fair
When you need her, she's not there
She seems to dwell in an airy realm
Where earthly matters just don't count
She says:
"Don't worry, I'll be fine
It's just a matter of time
I'll be back and you will see
I'll be the girl I used to be."

But until then you're all alone
Left with a shell
Who's got a heart of stone
She cries herself to sleep every night
Curls in a ball so, so tight
She doesn't want you to speak
To hold her close or touch her cheek
Nothing seems to matter anymore
Goodbye girl, where did you go?
Where's the girl I used to know?
Why do you turn away from me?
Why? Why, did you leave?

ily, 2001

Infectious

A blistering scar
Uneven skin and flesh
Held together with a new, vulnerable layer
Skin of an inner, pinker sort
Remnants of the wounds
Large, gaping holes
Infections caused by the slivers of you

The stitches where we sewed ourselves
One to the other
Each sinew through your flesh and mine
A painful pleasure
The rhythmic motion of the needle
Closer and closer until joined
Two to make one

But with each pull apart
We broke the threaded connection
Until face-to-face, alone
With bleeding flesh wounds
Where we once joined

Now the bleeding has ended
No more picking at the scabs
No more tears
Only this long, jagged scar
Running down the length of my body
Pink and tender
Covered with make-up
So that you can't see my pain

But late at night the ache returns
Deep in my dreams and in my flesh
By my side, where you once were
No make-up can fool me
I cannot anaesthetize myself

ily, 2001

Smells Like Ivory Soap

She is going, going gone
You knew she'd leave you all along
Even though her body's here
There's no weight behind her tears
It all reeks of emptiness
A hollow sense that fills your nose
With nothing
You used to hold her close and smell her skin
Mingled with the scent of yours
and all of the places
She'd been in
Now she smells of something else
A sticky over-laundered smell
That can't quite mask
The vacancy
hopelessness smells
like
Ivory soap
And Cheer
and the heavy, humid
stench of fear
You don't know where she went
But only that she's gone
There's no one to ask
To answer your
Wheres and whys and who's
to blame.
Only this sad shell
who recoils from your touch
who simply says she's sorry
That you care so much.

ily, 2001

Eyes that Can See Through This

And you call me on the telephone
To tell me that it's over
That you can't stand to be alone
That you can't handle being alive
And you tell me you're calling
just to say goodbye
But I know that you're calling to say
you can't help feeling this way
That you're tired of this
And all you can see
Is nothingness
And me
Some days I wonder
How I became a beacon
In your dark
Existence
But I am not afraid of you
And darkness is nothing new
To me
I am not frightened
by your pain
I am not afraid
Of anything
I have eyes that can see through this
I can walk across the abyss
In you
And you might stumble and fall
But you will hear me call
And I will say
"You know you're not meant
to go out this way."
And really that's all friends are for
To remind us of who we are
To tell us life is not so bleak
That we can't afford
to be so weak
And I know
the demons that chase your heart
They chew you up and
Try to tell you who you are
In all the wrong ways
And you are stronger
than your own self-hatred
You are stronger than what eats you inside
You are better than those who scorn you
And you no longer have to hide
Yourself

ily, 2003

Fall

The world comes into fruition
And all is ripe and beautiful
As we are
and full of passion
Subsiding as the days wax and wane
As the moon to fullness and slivered again
Like my body and the earth
As summer turns
Almost imperceptibly
Into fall
And I am myself
Am again slivered
And full of promise
As if I never were otherwise
days are numbered
a progression
Forward again
But never to be
As passionate or full of certain promise
For some fruits ripen but rarely
And I am myself
Girlish yet
And not so womanly as I once was
Hovering on the edge of fullness
Where we weave a precarious dance
A pattern of desire
And compassion
Rotating willfully
But
All our steps are vacillating
Every step forward a repetition
A circular motion
Waxing and waning
Floating above
Treading lightly
Regressing
and progressing once again
To hover continuously
On that precipice but
Not to fall.

ily, 2002

LOQUACITY

Effluent burst of loquacity
verbalizing -- but meaninglessly
torrents of silence
all is said in silences
neither gestures, nor words
but their absences
Pictures do not speak a thousand words
simply leave room for conjecture
and speculation
endless pursuits
supermarket tabloid gossip
Build a fort of words
a staircase
words have lifted me
from the depths
the rocky bottom
one brick at a time
My walls were once made of:

VACANCY
DESPERATION
EMPTINESS
DESPONDENCY
SOLITUDE
SECRECY
WANDERING
LOSS * FRUSTRATION
BLAME * GUILT * FURY
HOPELESSNESS * SUSPICION
FEAR

These walls were scaled with

ACCEPTANCE
LAUGHTER
FEARLESSNESS
CONFIDENCE
CALMNESS
FORGIVENESS
TRUST
COMPANIONSHIP

But here I am
slipping slightly
when I cannot clearly see before me
hesitant to step
afraid to fall
into known traps
ALONE
where friends are afraid to tread
and I only hear their voices
as if from a great distance
I am right beside
but invisible
and lost in blackness

ily, 2001

Invisible Little Girl

I hate being so invisible to you
But since it seems the only role
You've offered me
A disappearing act is the only thing
I can offer you

And maybe some day you'll realize
That I'm no longer here
and that you never bothered to ask me
The reason for my tears
Never realized I was sick of being
the invisible child - after more than 20 years

Maybe I was never perfect
Never perfect but I tried
Couldn't compete - wasn't your son
and was denied

And I'm sorry -- maybe daughters just don't count
So sorry I could never make up for all of your mistakes
Sorry, so sorry I ever tried
to be the prodigal daughter - in your eyes

And yes daddy -- I'm not a little girl
Don't ask for your approval - anymore
'cause I'll never get it

Yes, can't you see, I'm the invisible one
You never noticed me there
Never realized
how much I cared

How I gave everything I had
Until I was in debt
Destined to be the wounded bird
so easy to forget

I was fragile and breakable
battered, broken and lost
and maybe you blamed yourself for it
but didn't want to pay the cost

And your lack of attention
your failure to notice
is the thing that broke me

Maybe if you'd seen
Maybe if you weren't so blind
Maybe if you'd reached out a hand

and hadn't left me there -- alone
I wouldn't have drowned -- so many times
wouldn't be so black and blue
wouldn't have to scream so loud
just to get a glance from you

and maybe I'm a little angry
but mostly I'm just sad
that you've chosen to turn your back
on the last daughter you had

ily, 2002

These Eyes

These eyes
that exude something
of the mystery
in me
Leave clues to
the pathways
of my soul
that cry tears
for pain too deep
for words
or shine brightly
with a joy
about which I'll
never speak
These eyes that see
so far
that pierce sometimes
just a bit too deep
and see the things
perhaps they weren't
meant to see
These eyes that are mine
to speak with as I must
These eyes that search
the world for another
soul to trust

ily, 2004

frustration
an angry red bubble
floating unseen, unexpected
below the surface of my
awareness
suddenly appearing before
my eyes
obscuring my vision
blinding me with
distortions and confusion
bursting and then
receding

ily, 2007

my sexual empowerment quiz

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-sexual-empowerment-test

Pure of Heart

Twirling in my mind I hear your song

and wish it were my own

It is so beautiful, untainted and so pure

So strong, invincible and oh so secure

My own stumbling, mumbling, rambling whispers

are as unlike it as two mirror-imaged sisters

I know I crave your power

although I have plenty of my own

or maybe it's your purity

that I want on loan

There's something missing I can't gain

walk through myself and back again

Inside my heart desire has lain

for many years amidst the pain

and it's the pain I can't remove

despite these many efforts

Even with the balm of love

my purity's completely severed

from the rest of who I am

and packed away like trash

so inaccessible

so far in my past

and each time I find it's miracle

I know it's borrowed bliss

My purity will never last

I'll never quite grab hold of it

I don't know how to live without my pain

and if my purity came back

I'd only search for pain again

It's useless to try

to take my pain away

as much as I don't want it

I need for it to stay

It is the only thing that makes me strong

tells me who I am and where I belong

and even if I do not like the things it has to say

Nonetheless its messages are truthful anyway

That I am corrupted, tainted and blemished is for sure

but there is a disparity

because in my heart I'm pure

No matter what they take, you see

They cannot take my heart from me

A hidden treasure, hard to find

far beyond my soul or mind

My body may not be my own

whether I'm possessed or all alone

Take what you can from it

it's only an empty shell

It had been broken for so long

that any use for it is just as well

Try to break me

you might succeed

But you won't capture my heart

and that is all I need

Nothing else has any worth

No, not death or even birth

If you cannot hold my heart

You possess no true art

ily, 2000

Why Can't I? -- a song

Why -- can't I

Understand why?

Why -- can't I

Understand, why I do the things I do

to you?

Why -- can't I

just close my eyes

and feel the light -- inside

anymore?

I have darkness in the core

of my being

and I'm always escaping

Perpetually fleeing

from myself

That's why you can't find me

That's why you can't love me

That's why you can't see me

Anymore

It was meant to be a secret

Between me and myself

but here I am sharing it

with everyone else

except you

I'm afraid of how you'll react

When I reveal that this has all been an act

That I never really loved you

That I never truly cared

And even though I tried to be

I was never even there

Completely unaware

Of who you were

and what you wanted from me

So afraid that you would see

through me -- smell my fears

Like an animal

trapped in this carnival

Petrified that you'd realize

I can never be

the girl you wanted

Your misguided version of me

I'll always be elusive

It was like that from the start

At first it brought you to me

and now it's tearing you apart

You can't ever understand me

Just read these road signs that I post

Along, a long winding road

without an end

Where you'll break down

and I won't mend

Your broken heart, again

Why-- can't I understand why

Why -- can't I understand why

I do the things I do to you

and me?

Why do I choose to see myopically?

To trap myself and have to flee

To bring you pain so you will feel

the pain inside of me?

To reveal to you my twisted truth

and my inherent cruelty?

The way I try so hard to push you away

to protect you from those unkind

words I always say

And you never said a word about it

Shrugged it off like nothingness

Told me with your silent accusation

that I was responsible for all this mess

They predicted I would be the type

to fit the mold they made

That I would break a hundred hearts

and this is how I've laid

them to rest-- here inside my breast

'Cause I never really meant it

I never wanted it this way

And I've tried every remedy

To lift that curse they gave

Everything except an early grave

Why can't you understand why?

Why can't you see how hard I try?

Why can't you forgive and forget?

Why can't you leave me?

Your heart's not broken yet

 

Ily, 2001