Why Can't I? -- a song

Why -- can't I

Understand why?

Why -- can't I

Understand, why I do the things I do

to you?

Why -- can't I

just close my eyes

and feel the light -- inside

anymore?

I have darkness in the core

of my being

and I'm always escaping

Perpetually fleeing

from myself

That's why you can't find me

That's why you can't love me

That's why you can't see me

Anymore

It was meant to be a secret

Between me and myself

but here I am sharing it

with everyone else

except you

I'm afraid of how you'll react

When I reveal that this has all been an act

That I never really loved you

That I never truly cared

And even though I tried to be

I was never even there

Completely unaware

Of who you were

and what you wanted from me

So afraid that you would see

through me -- smell my fears

Like an animal

trapped in this carnival

Petrified that you'd realize

I can never be

the girl you wanted

Your misguided version of me

I'll always be elusive

It was like that from the start

At first it brought you to me

and now it's tearing you apart

You can't ever understand me

Just read these road signs that I post

Along, a long winding road

without an end

Where you'll break down

and I won't mend

Your broken heart, again

Why-- can't I understand why

Why -- can't I understand why

I do the things I do to you

and me?

Why do I choose to see myopically?

To trap myself and have to flee

To bring you pain so you will feel

the pain inside of me?

To reveal to you my twisted truth

and my inherent cruelty?

The way I try so hard to push you away

to protect you from those unkind

words I always say

And you never said a word about it

Shrugged it off like nothingness

Told me with your silent accusation

that I was responsible for all this mess

They predicted I would be the type

to fit the mold they made

That I would break a hundred hearts

and this is how I've laid

them to rest-- here inside my breast

'Cause I never really meant it

I never wanted it this way

And I've tried every remedy

To lift that curse they gave

Everything except an early grave

Why can't you understand why?

Why can't you see how hard I try?

Why can't you forgive and forget?

Why can't you leave me?

Your heart's not broken yet

 

Ily, 2001