Confessions of a Pretty-Boy-Toy-Girl

I am not particularly feminine - okay I'm overtly feminine
In appearance if not behaviour
I am alienated from the giggly, hair-toss type
I want to wear tight pants over my mannish hips
I want to stand up straight and be noticed
To speak my mind openly and not be told
It isn't gender appropriate
I want to talk about why traditional roles of femininity
Used to disgust me
I want to explain why my own body used to turn me off
And no, it isn't Freudian penis-envy
I never wanted one of those
I just want to be stronger - more powerful
I don't want to play the girl
I don't want to be your girlfriend
Your sperm receptacle
I want to ask you out on a date
And maybe buy you something nice
Something cool like tight-ass pants for your manly hips
I don't want gifts of candy or perfume
- thanks I didn't know you thought I needed
pimpled skin
or that I smelled bad
I might like a book
to cultivate my intellect
I am not a denier of the virtues of womanhood
I admire them very much - but they aren't for me
The external parts of them anyway
I'd be more like a dad than a mom
I can build pre-fabricated furniture & program the VCR
And the stereo without instructions
And bake a cake & diaper a baby
Perfectly
But I don't want one hanging off my chest
or living in my uterus
I will clean a snotty nose
Teach moral lessons
and then I want to close
my eyes and sleep
I might be a parent but I'd never be a mom
I don't want to share my body with anyone for nine whole months
I don't want to be that attached to anyone
It doesn't mean I won't love you
I just need my own space - internally and externally
I have attachment issues - yes I do
And I'm afraid of becoming attached to you
because then I can be abandoned
shattered, broken, victimized
I want to grow up to be myself
I want there to be a place for me
I am a wo-man
Yes, I feel like a transvestite some days
Like this body is just a garment
Thinly disguising my perverted ways
I am not a lesbian
I am not attracted to the womanly
I adore gay men with their tight-ass pants
And cocky ways - but I don't want to date them
I want to be them
I want to move inside the man's world
Like the wo-man that I am
I want a world without such gender differentiation
I like the hazy, line-crossing
gender disappropriation of the 21st Century
But it's not quite enough for me
I want to be a person without a label
I am not homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual
I am simply sexual - sometimes
I am not a sexually-repressed girl
I don't deny my sexuality
But I have always felt that it didn't quite fit me
That I am dressing in a costume
Headed for the stage
I like boots and tight-ass pants
I like the feel of tight t-shirts
which make me look trampy but isn't the point
I like well-defined jaws and long-haired boys
What does that make me?
Are there other girls like me?
Who don't want these shackles thrown their way
Who don't fit in anywhere, anyway?
Who love themselves but hate society
for trying to mold them into many things they'll never be?
Are girls allowed to be commitment-phobic?
To want lovers instead of boyfriends?
To be parents but never moms?
without being gay?
without seeming power-hungry bitches?
without being weird?
Isn't there another word, like --
unique -- except that means one and only
Isn't there somebody out there like me?
Who wants to be a pretty-boy-toy-girl?

ily, 2001