Between the Silence AND the Noise

...And I will want your affection
as badly as anything
But I am not a masochist
I can learn to let go of this
Your words they tried
but did not win
they broke down walls
but I did not let them in

And there is that fine line between
LOVE & HATE
the tight-rope between zen-like intelligence
and pure emotion
where I dance and float
with confidence
above an endless ocean
of tears
a bottomless pit
of dark and reasonless fears

And I never cry my heart out
ANYMORE
maybe my tear ducts have run dry
but I am not afraid to feel
or to think
there must be a balance
between
intuition & intellect
between
my cortex and my reptilian brain
between the nothingness of purity
and the stains
and spots which must remain
I find the beauty
in the perverse & the pure
the left & right
the black and white
while I happily walk the tightrope
graceful with clumsy poise
between the day & night
between the silence & the noise

ily 2001

Waves of Aubergine

Aubergine dreams
claim my soul
for they are deep
and filled with red & blue
pain and joy
which mix and fill me through & through
with so many words
that I must keep my silence
The aubergine dreams
which are my soul
purplelikeabruise
from bleeding on the inside
below the surface
and strong like royalty
a warrior princess draped in the power
of the jungle
I am crimson with passion, love, pain & rage
and tourmaline with sadness, calm & joy
and I might
not clothe myself in purple every day
but it is a visual rendition
of all I feel, think and say
Purple is power, sorrow, beauty and joy
and I am all these things and many more
For you have seen my lips stained purple
from blueberry kisses in summertime
like a little girl free to roam
And you have seen me trapped
in purple nightmares where I drown
in unwanted tears
And you have seen me don my violet mantle
And stand tall
Challenging the wind to knock me off a precipice
And make me fall
And you have seen me fly away
from purple bruises
which turned me black & blue
when my heart was shattered
and my soul seeped out and through
and you have seen my face in rapture
my indigo eyes in celestial reach
attempting to see beyond this world, and learning
many lessons I cannot teach
And you have witnessed my rage
and felt the anger shooting out
in blood-red bursts
of fear and rejection
when pain has overcome my gentle soul
and so you know that I will always
tread in waves of aubergine
somewhere deep inside of me
where they lurk unseen
and that I will perpetually
lay in fields of lavender
when I crawl back to shore
and don my violet mantle
as defense in times of war
And though I may trespass quietly
through fields of gold & green
My soul is ever-swimming
in waves of aubergine.

ily, 2002

Dark Angel

I am something complex and confusing
So simple that you see
not many people have tackled
the conundrum that is me
I am a labyrinthine puzzle
A circular path
Spiraling down from meaningfulness
To vulgarity
Am I a beautiful angel
Or the whore you desire?
And maybe I am both
Or neither
And I can't be one or the other
For all I am is what you see
I am the virgin whore dichotomy
I am a woman and a child
I am innocent and tainted
Impure, fallen and you see
I will never quite be
What you desire so desperately
I will never be pure enough
Never be innocent
I can only be a dark angel
No white lights shine on me
I earned my divinity
Through pain and torture
So you can never truly know
How far rock-bottom is
How far you'd have to go
To pull me from the pit
After my fall from grace
But don't worry I'm transcendent
Hovering around this place
Like a ghost
A spirit to haunt your heart
It is all that I desire
And I will hover here
For a while.

Ily, 2002

Infectious

A blistering scar
Uneven skin and flesh
Held together with a new, vulnerable layer
Skin of an inner, pinker sort
Remnants of the wounds
Large, gaping holes
Infections caused by the slivers of you

The stitches where we sewed ourselves
One to the other
Each sinew through your flesh and mine
A painful pleasure
The rhythmic motion of the needle
Closer and closer until joined
Two to make one

But with each pull apart
We broke the threaded connection
Until face-to-face, alone
With bleeding flesh wounds
Where we once joined

Now the bleeding has ended
No more picking at the scabs
No more tears
Only this long jagged scar
Running down the length of my body
Pink and tender
Covered with make-up
So that you can't see my pain

But late at night the ache returns
Deep in my dreams, and in my flesh
By my side, where you once were
No make-up can fool me
I cannot anaesthetize myself.

Ily, 2001

writing the poem

words fall between
the seams
of sentences
get lost in that gray space
the gap between
intention and accomplishment
where ambiguity and confusion
reign supreme
and lend their grace
to frustration
and writer's block
the crumpled sheets
that try but don't succeed
to say what's meant
to fill the need
of clarity of evocation
but simply weigh
the paper down
with thick ideas
sticky, like molasses
trapping trains of thought
like tongues that
taste the sugary substance
but can't quite swallow or digest it.

Ily, 2002

Vishnu-Lila

He imagines her
Radiant
Yet she
Annoys him
In her quietness
Lotus position
Meditating
Seeking attainment
And yet she
Is so awful
In her serenity
A silent power
Lorded over him
In all her little
"random"
acts of
kindness
as if it were really so
not just an act
the selfless motivation
of better than you
and "I told you so"
in never so many words
just the nod
the "hmm"
the "I see"
as her eyes see above his head
and she returns
to that place beyond him
where he cannot reach
that self-restraint
Which makes him weak
And silently screaming
Past her measured steps
And downward dog
Her
Butterfly philosophy
Which only makes him want to
Crush her
To pick apart each
Sentence
To stick her through
With figurative
Pins
Deflate her with
A voodoo
He does not possess
The way she can
Unpin him
At the joints
Of every
Limb
Conception
Argument
Emotion
Until
He is jelly
With
Just a look
A glance
Of unequivocal
Acceptance
So that he can merely
Quiver
And he
Sees her
Radiant
With light
"Vishnu-Lila"
he says
"Pardon?"
she replies
"sorry, bit my tongue"
he answers
"Oh," she brushes the hair
out of her face
and finishes her
peanut butter toast.

Ily, 2004

Eggplant

I was at the market
Walking by -- didn't mean to stop--
When I saw it
Gazing at me, almost
It was so lustrous and shiny
I could see my own reflection
The deep purple, impenetrable skin
The round smoothness, and its shape
I held it in my hands, like a baby
Or maybe a brain
I paid my money, took it home
Watching it, like it was my own
Heart & soul and everything
Thick-skinned, purplelikeabruise
On the outside
I cut it open, it did not bleed
Touched its flesh, removed its seeds
Sliced it up and fried it too
Then, I licked my lips and supped
Upon my surrogate
Filling me with myself.

Ily

Fall

The world comes into fruition
And all is ripe and beautiful
As we are
and full of passion
Subsiding as the days wax and wane
As the moon to fullness and slivered again
Like my body and the earth
As summer turns
Almost imperceptibly
Into fall
And I myself
Am again slivered
And full of promise
As if I never were otherwise
days are numbered
a progression
Forward again
But never to be
As passionate or full of certain promise
For some fruits ripen but rarely
And I am myself
Girlish yet
And not so womanly as I once was
Hovering on the edge of fullness
Where we weave a precarious dance
A pattern of desire
And compassion
Rotating willfully
But
All our steps are vacillating
Every step forward a repetition
A circular motion
Waxing and waning
Floating above
Treading lightly
Regressing
And progressing yet again
To hover continuously
On that precipice but
Not to fall.

Ily, 2002

Safety-Net

Safety-Net

I listen hard to every word

To make it sensical

When it is not

All the things they say

Are lies

They waylay me and trap my mind

Stuck in this cotton-baton

Surrounded by what-ifs

Second-guessing, paranoia

Which leave me breathless

And afraid

A sense of panic that overwhelms

Keeping my body rigid

Turning my face into a wooden mask

When smiling would be too hard

And looking you in the eye

Complicated

For you fear the loss of control

When you cannot cojole me

And make me see things your way

For times when my own mind

Is stronger than my will to resist

Falling into the crevasses of crevices

That abyss between sanity

And complete control

Where there is no safety net

And you would be my

Safe place to fall

And be the cord that prevents me

From falling down too far

For anyone to reach

And I love you for

All of your concern

But you still don’t know all of me

You know the me that is

A part of you

Not the me I was before you

The strong-willed ambitious girl

Who took on the world

Unafraid of stereotypes and labels

The girl you met

And fell in love with

Oh so long ago.

                              Ily, 2011

Haphazardly

light spins in haphazard
spirals
through the window
landing upon me
in
intermittent and moving
patterns
dancing over and through me
the same way love feels
warm and bright
and ever-moving
in constant, slow
fluctuation
intangible at times
other times
its brightness burning
or lost in shadow
and seemingly invisible
and thoughts of love
trespass on my mind
tiptoeing through my heart
as the light dances on
uninterrupted

ily 2005