The___________ ?

everything and nothing
ideas, feelings, concepts and
the world jumble and
collide in me
joyfully
to feel alive
to feel love
to feel
anything but numbness
is
indescribable
leaving me speechless
in a place
without a lexicon
on a plane of existence
I have never been before
and embrace with
wild abandon

ily, 2008

Some Sort of Girlfriend Creation

Yeah well, you say you love me
But those are empty words
Because you don't want to know who I am
You love the silly, flimsy, giggly bits of me
Don't wish to understand the deeper mystery
You only like the absolutely
Fakest parts of me
You say you love my body
But you don't care to understand
That I don't even dwell there
When it's in your hands
I am not my body
I am not this girly face and hair
These are simply social constructions
That I feel forced to wear
And you only love my happiness
Only want to see my beauty
You don't want to hear my story
and you don't want to know me
You don't care to know why I recoil from your touch
Or why I don't ever feel love, as such
You don't wish to accept
That I have been to the edge
And I have leapt
Into the abyss, where sane people don't go
I have seen visions but you don't want to know
You can only love me if you can't see
That I have been broken, and I have been battered
And though the bruises have faded, they still matter
I have been lost, and I have been saved
I am sane but I've been depraved
I have been pinned-down in a cold, darkened room
While a man forced my body to do things I didn't want to do
And I'm not really beautiful
And I'm not really pure
But I am strong, and I am secure
You can judge me - you wouldn't be the first
Don't worry it can't hurt me, I couldn't feel any worse
Because when you don't want to know me
Or allow me validation
But only mold me into
Some sort of girlfriend creation
You're worse than the ones who want to possess my body
At least they're aware that they don't want to know me
And they never said I had too much emotional baggage to carry
They never presumed they were in a position to tell me
And all I can say is I won't ever love you
Even if I told you so a million times
So I won't even bother, but I'll cringe at your touch
And deny my contempt, because I like you so much.

- ily, 2001

All I Wanted

I am a lyre
You can hold be in your arms
and pluck my strings
Pick out a tune
and I will sing
I'll tell you what I want to hear
I'll find your weak spots and exploit them
You will think it's love
But I will know
that it's all an illusion
and I'll be well aware
that you'll some day leave me alone
I'll become the fantasy - you don't want to own
You want someone who'll lie to spare your feelings
Who will pretend to submit
tell you you're their universe
and make you believe it
And I am a liar
I am a mirror
I can reflect your fantasies
and your fears
and that will drive you
Far, far away from here
When all I wanted was
to never be abandoned
And all I wanted was
to never be betrayed
All I wanted was
An un-broken heart
Is that such a wrong thing to crave?

ily, 2001

Debris and Detritus

Plastic melts from the stare she gives
and you know if looks could kill
You'd at least be maimed
There aren't really words
to say at times like this
How can you apologize
for something you didn't do
That feeling you just couldn't feel
You wish you could feel something
Anything other than guilty
But she knows you don't have it in you
So it's better not to pretend
Just not to say anything
Leave it all unsaid until the end
Another awkward silence
Another half-closed door
when the only thing left
Is what was there before
When what once held promise
becomes an empty, vacant space
and those vacant, empty feelings
are reflected by the sadness in her face
How does one apologize for a broken heart
For promises never really uttered
Which nevertheless fell apart
For broken dreams
You can't cram into your pockets
Or carry away from here
There will always be those extra bits
All the debris and detritus
Pieces of incomplete emotions
that didn't fit into the puzzle
2000 shades of gray
Like your heart, wearing a muzzle
When nothing you find
can ever quite express
this trapped feeling
of total loneliness
Apologies are empty words
and that is all they are
Expressions of regret
that won't erase the scar.

ily, 2000

Desperation

Slam the door on my thumb
while you slam the door on my heart
I'm completely numb
but it should be tearing me apart
I can't alleviate my desperation
I've got nowhere to go
Like breathing without respiration
it's blow after blow
my soul is bruised
my fingers burned
my heart's been used
my love's been spurned
want to punch a hole
right through your heart
break it like the one that you stole
you thought you were so smart
but I can't hurt you
I can only hurt myself
for all the mean things that you do
and wish I were somebody else
but you will pay
some day in the end
I'll find a way
to get back at you, my friend
I am desperate
and I am lost
I'm not worried
about the cost
the pain you give
which I receive
is where I live
with no reprieve.

ily, 1998