You Won't Let Me Out

Crawl around on a grungy bathroom floor
can't even remember who I am anymore
Haven't slept in almost a week now
Haven't cried like this in years
Waking nightmares of ancient traumas
symbolizing all my fears
How I hate you, for loving me
'cause it's way more painful than I need

I look into your eyes and know you
seeing scars I hide everyday
Yours so blatant, they are screaming
telling me I can't leave things this way

But I can't fix your broken heart
and I know you can't fix mine
even though you really want to
You didn't break it, it's not your crime

You lie to me -- but I don't believe it
because you are so much in doubt
I want to reach out and say, "I hate you."
but you won't let me out

You leapt off the bridge
and you are slowly dying
I hold on to you
while inside I am crying

"If you really love me
Please let me go
because I can't abandon
a drowning friend, you know"

I can only sit and watch you self-destruct
You'd let me go, if you loved me enough

I've said goodbye, too many times
but you know I'll always be here
Please don't ever say you need me
Loving you is my greatest fear.

ily, 1999