reminiscences

It's late at night
and I feel 11 years old
Mom hasn't noticed I stay up all night
writing poetry and being tortured
Mom and Dad just stopped noticing me
a couple of years ago
Except when I am supposed to do them
a favour
And I wear my brother's old clothes
until they've lost his smell
And I am supposed to pretend
he doesn't exist
and he doesn't 'cause
I'm not allowed to say his name
and he is a distant memory
of long ago days when people didn't
see through me
Before I wove this
cloak of invisibility
Before I became so angry
and alone
And I wake up early
to watch TV
'cause I'm not supposed to
And I go through life distracted
And no one notices
that I am not there
That I have not been here so long
that I forgot what happiness was
that my friends and I are all
the unhappy, neglected girls
that no one notices
and I am messy
and distracted
and I can't concentrate
on school
because I don't see the point
I am angry
and want to be anywhere but here
wherever I am
and I read of many places
and people
I could've been
and write stories
about the visions
and worlds I've seen
and no one understood
that imagination
was a survival skill
as opposed to an excessive
immature hobby
reality hurts too much some days
and my version is much better
because I am never alone there
I always have a friend to keep me company

and that is me

I am a lonely little girl
and nobody sees me
and nobody loves me
and I will ever be the girl
who walked away from you
and never came back
and you knew I was a runaway
even if my body stayed here
even if you forced me to stay
you could never make me
like it
you could never make me
love you
I tried and tried
but every time I let you in
You told me why I should be anybody
else
Why I was wrong to feel
everything I've felt
And I'm tired of your lies
because I will never be anything
but a little girl in your eyes
and I wish I could me
something else
but I will ever be me
and I can't be someone else
to please you
and I can't be happy
when I am sad
or joyful when I am angry
Even if it makes you sad
to see me so
it's no longer your problem
and it's why I had to go
'cause you would never know
how to love me
the way I need
And I have had to love myself
And teach myself the lessons
you could never teach
about how to love me
how to be happy with myself
and not regret my life away
Wishing I had made other choices
because I will never become you
and I will never let my children be
so alone inside
I will not sit there blindly
watching them die on the inside
Never let them be so numb.

ily, 2004